The Long Haul to Peace

Today I stepped into the arena that has paralyzed me for years now. I wrote two letters. One to my Attorney and one to my CPA. I don't know what happened but I think that waking up every morning in tears and fear has just taken it's toll. It over shadows my whole being and though I have mastered the art of burying my head in the sand the time has come to face the demons that have haunted me for so long.

You know that saying "Bad things happen to good people" or how about "It makes you stronger" and then there's "When one door closes another opens". I'm here to tell you it's all bullshit. People throw cliche's at you because they don't know what else to say and THEY are not going through it.

Here it is: In a 12 month time frame I was totally dissed by my best friend of 4 years, my dearest dog Cheyenne died of a horrible and incurable disease, I was forced to close my store of 15 years, my boyfriend (Mr. I Love You SO Much) cheated on me, stole money from me and beat me, the bank came and took my truck after offering me an opportunity to rewrite the loan, I had to file bankruptcy, my house of 13 years was foreclosed on and I was forced out of the spin off business I formed to try to recoup my losses and pay off my business debts. Just ONE of those would send anyone I know into a tizzy. Try taking ALL of it on in ONE year.

Eventually I fell apart. I was broken. My spirit trashed. My body weight had dropped to 90 lbs - avg. for me is around 115. I couldn't even wear the same underwear any more. I signed complete Power Of Attorney over to my two nieces, I was a basket case. And I was at the Church food bank getting food to eat, I cried so much, it was just devastating to go from a healthy, financially okay, church going, hard working lady that made her payments every month and lived within my means to being out on the street with no food to eat and no sight on the future. I got another job working for artists. Things got too tight for them and they had to let me go....one week before Christmas. I remember telling my niece "I just lost my job" and she just kept repeating "I just can't believe it, I don't know what to say."

Then the real problem.........I could not pay the back business debts. They are in the thousands and will never go away. It is crippling. Just the thought of trying to face these entities is overwhelming, so time goes by. How does a broken person take on a Giant? The fear is beyond any words I have in my vocabulary. Each day goes by and I know it's there.......lurking, whispering "we're gonna get you". I hold on to Honey, her soft fur those beautiful and loving eyes and I feel loved, I feel like life is good. But life won't be better until I do this and get it out of the way.

So, the letter to the Lawyer who back in 03 when it all started to nosedive faster than a speeding bullet, offered to represent me ProBono on one of the cases. I asked him is he still willing to help me. The letter to the CPA whom I worked with for over 10 years and still owe $950 for 2000/01 any chance you'll jump back on board? I sent him $$ along with the letter and a promise to pay. Both letters went out in todays mail. Now I wait.

Have I mentioned how scared I am? I hope and pray that this will be the year that I can clear my name, credit and leave this all behind for brighter days and maybe just maybe........something to retire with and Peace. Peace of mind, peace of heart.